Many parents believe that a high IQ will ensure their children succeed academically and in the future. However, emotional intelligence (EQ) is also a crucial factor in development; without it, a child’s talents may remain unfulfilled.
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| Source: Dorsetforyou |
“There is a connection between the heart and the mind, which is expressed as emotional intelligence, or EQ” – Dr. Nguyen Cong Khanh, a lecturer at the National University of Hanoi, stated. Emotions strongly influence human actions, thereby affecting their outcomes. In reality, no human decision is purely rational; emotions always play a role. For instance, if your boss assigns you a task you dislike, you might complete it reluctantly and not engage with it further. However, if it is a task you are passionate about, you will invest your full effort, leading to excellent results, and you will feel satisfied upon completion.
High EQ is characterized by resilience, the ability to listen and empathize with others, courage, and adaptability, while those with low EQ often blame others, hold grudges, are authoritarian, suspicious, and critical, and hinder others… Due to their empathetic ability, individuals with high EQ tend to integrate well with others, know how to behave in socially accepted ways, and achieve greater success.
For children, EQ is even more critical in their developmental process. A lack of friends, living in isolation, and difficulty integrating into social groups are significant factors leading to academic failure. Often, it is the child’s aggressive behavior or unwillingness to share that results in being ostracized by peers, which in turn affects their learning. In the future, children with low EQ will struggle to build positive relationships for career advancement. This emotional deficiency can lead to even worse outcomes, such as criminal behavior. Instances of bullying or mass shootings are examples of a lack of empathy.
According to Dr. Nguyen Cong Khanh, there was a case in England where two children aged 8-9 caused the death of a baby. These children encountered the baby near a supermarket and took them to a secluded area to torture them, subsequently tying the baby to the train tracks. Investigators discovered that the perpetrators lived in an orphanage. They were accustomed to capturing animals to “play” with, twisting limbs and enjoying the painful cries of the creatures. Psychologists explain that because they did not grow up in an emotionally nurturing environment, these children lacked the ability to understand the feelings of others. Witnessing excruciating pain, while other children felt horror, they experienced delight instead.
This lack of empathy is also seen in many unfortunate children, such as orphans, those from broken families, or those who have been abandoned… Because they are insensitive to the emotions of others, these children can cause pain without feeling remorse or guilt. Consequently, the risk of criminal behavior increases.
How to Increase EQ?
Parents need to listen to their children to understand what they are feeling and share in those feelings. For example, if a child feels sad because you are spending more time with a sibling, you can say, “I understand how you feel when your sibling gets to go to the park with me while you don’t“. This way, the child feels acknowledged and realizes that everyone experiences similar emotions and can overcome them.
It’s beneficial to help children label their emotions, building their emotional vocabulary with words like sad, happy, angry, scared… You can show them various pictures depicting different emotional states and explain them. If a child is upset about losing a toy, instead of saying “It’s okay, don’t cry,” use the opportunity to teach them about emotional concepts. You might ask, “You’re sad, right?“, and prompt, “Remember when your friend lost a toy and felt sad too?“. Ask if they liked that toy and why, allowing your child to express and describe their emotions from various perspectives.
Additionally, encourage children to observe the emotions of those around them, such as, “Your grandmother was very happy yesterday; she smiled a lot. Why was she happy? Because you shared your toys with your sibling…” or “Your aunt is upset; she frowned and didn’t want to cuddle you anymore. Why is she angry? Because you broke her vase and didn’t apologize. Is that upsetting to you?“. This way, children not only recognize others’ emotions but also understand the origins and impacts of those emotions on people. From there, they will learn to adjust their own emotions and behaviors—a crucial skill for success in life.
Dr. Khanh advises that for children under 6 years old, punishment should be minimized (but mistakes should be pointed out), and praise should be generous and reasonable. With young children, avoid overusing lectures; their understanding comes from specific behaviors that gradually lead to general rules of what is acceptable and what is not. For example, when a child screams due to dissatisfaction, everyone can pretend to hold their heads and exclaim, “I have a headache,” and return to their rooms, ignoring the child. After several such instances, the child will understand that this behavior does not yield any “benefit” and will stop. Alternatively, you could secretly film this scenario and, once the child is calm, show it to the family. The child will realize their behavior is inappropriate, feel embarrassed, and begin to adjust themselves. When a child is in a “tantrum,” any teaching or scolding will be ineffective.
“It is not the lessons, but rather the experiences that will impact a child’s emotional intelligence” – Dr. Khanh stated. A father tried everything to discourage his son from getting close to a motorcycle exhaust pipe, but every time he returned home from work, his 3-year-old son would rush towards it. He devised a plan, taking a plastic doll and pretending to accidentally press its foot against the exhaust pipe. The doll’s foot melted, and he showed it to his son along with an explanation: “The doll got burnt by the exhaust pipe, and its foot is hurt. It hurts a lot“. The boy was terrified as he intuitively understood the danger of the exhaust pipe, and from then on, he avoided it.
Using the doll game, parents can teach children many other lessons about emotions. Depending on specific situations, parents will know how to communicate with their children effectively. The important thing is that to teach children about emotional intelligence, parents cannot be “insensitive.” You must immerse children in an emotional environment and dedicate time to them.
Thanh Nhan
