The time a woman can keep a secret is 47 hours and 15 minutes: Why do they need to gossip?

According to the thought suppression theory by social psychologist Daniel Wegner, the moment you tell someone not to share a secret that you are about to reveal, that person starts to feel an obsessive urge to share that secret with everyone.

In the ancient Indian epic written in Sanskrit, there is a story about Yudhishthira, a demigod who later became the king of the Kuru Kingdom. Yudhishthira was the eldest son of Queen Kunti and Yama, the god representing justice, law, and punishment.

Inheriting noble qualities from his father, Yudhishthira grew up to be incredibly honest, kind, and fair-minded. However, as an adult, he committed one of the greatest sins in Hinduism: the slaughter of his own brothers.

During the Kurukshetra War, Yudhishthira killed Karna, another demigod, unaware that Karna was his half-brother.

Queen Kunti had kept this a secret from Yudhishthira. Karna was her son with the sun god Surya, and Kunti had given birth to Karna in her youth. Not wanting to bring shame to her family, Kunti secretly abandoned the child.

Karna was fortunately rescued and raised; he grew up, learned archery, and became a general in Duryodhana’s army, opposing his brother in Kurukshetra, only to be killed by Yudhishthira himself.

In Indian mythology, women struggle to keep secrets due to the curse of demigod Yudhishthira.

Only discovering the secret during Karna’s funeral, which took place after the victory, Yudhishthira was deeply pained. In his anger, he cursed all women from that moment on to never be able to keep any secret again.

Yudhishthira’s curse later became one of the 12 most famous curses in Hindu mythology. It provides an intriguing—though unconvincing—explanation for why women often find it difficult to keep secrets, whether their own or those they hear from others.

So, where can we find a reliable answer to this question? From a scientific perspective, can researchers provide clearer answers? Let’s explore:

A survey reveals women can keep secrets… for 47 hours and 15 minutes

A survey conducted on 3,000 women aged 18-65 in the UK showed that on average, each week they hear at least three secrets from someone. About 75% of these women checked a box identifying themselves as capable of keeping secrets for others.

83% affirmed that they are reliable within their friend group, meaning after hearing a secret from this close circle, they would not share it with anyone outside the group.

However, 40% of women eventually admitted that they had done just that, sharing a secret from their group with a friend from another group. Similarly, 40% of women believed that sharing their friends’ secrets with someone they didn’t know was acceptable.

20% of women thought they wouldn’t do that but still couldn’t resist the urge to gossip. As a result, up to 60% of women would tell a secret they heard about someone to a person that this individual did not know.

Illustrative image.

Researchers asked how long women could keep a secret, from the moment they heard it until they shared it with others. By adding all those numbers together and averaging them, they found that women can keep secrets for 47 hours and 15 minutes.

45% of the surveyed women stated that they felt compelled to disclose the secrets they heard to feel better. If they kept a secret for too long, over two days, they would feel very restless.

Only 30% admitted to being gossipy and liking to share stories. More than 60% of the women surveyed eventually felt guilty when they revealed something they were supposed to keep secret from others.

Why are women compelled to share secrets?

It turns out they have good reasons for doing so. Dr. David Eagleman, a neuroscientist at Stanford University, states that keeping secrets is a stressful activity for the brain.

When you hear someone else’s secret from someone, your brain immediately enters a state of stress as it starts evaluating situations like: What is this secret? Who does it involve? How serious is this secret? Am I allowed to tell anyone about it?

Most secrets that people are asked to keep are often negative. Therefore, holding onto negative information continues to burden the mental state of the person keeping it.

Now, suppose you’ve heard a secret and engaged in a conversation with someone who needs to hear that secret . Continuing to keep that secret requires your brain to work continuously to hide it, often involving the need to lie.

This continues to place a burden on the brain, as you have to think more to conceal the information; you need to come up with enough scenarios to justify your lies, rather than simply stating the secret, a fact.

“Psychological literature suggests that keeping secrets generates a lot of stress. Those who keep many secrets experience increased stress hormones. They are more likely to become ill,” Dr. Eagleman states. “But once they release those things, their health significantly improves.”

Keeping secrets creates a lot of stress for women. (Illustrative image).

“Another reason people often disclose a secret is that they feel guilty for holding onto it. For example, if your friend tells you a secret but you don’t share it with them, you might feel guilty for not telling them,” says Professor Asim Shah, the Executive Vice Chair of the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine.

“If you don’t share certain things with family members, spouse, or parents, deep down you might develop a sense of doubt. Keeping or sharing secrets often puts people in a position of gaining or losing someone’s trust.

Additionally, Daniel Wegner’s thought suppression theory states that when we try not to think about something, we often end up thinking about it more.

“Therefore, the moment you tell someone not to share the secret you are about to tell them, that person has already begun to feel a compulsion and obsession to share that secret with everyone,” Professor Shah says.

Keeping secrets can make you sick

Michael Slepian, a psychologist at Columbia University and author of the book The Secret Life of Secrets, states that secrets can indeed weigh heavily on your mind and make you ill.

Over the past decade, Slepian has conducted hundreds of studies on secrets. After asking about 50,000 people to reveal what they had been secretly holding, he found that the more secrets people kept, the greater their risk of mental and physical harm.

Those who hold more secrets report poorer health, they find life less enjoyable, and ironically, their social relationships are of lower quality than those who gossip.

“Like shadows, secrets can follow us wherever we go. And they will only stick to you, the only one who knows that secret,” Slepian states. Many people are tormented by having to keep a secret, getting caught up in repetitive negative thoughts about them.

Michael Slepian, a psychologist from Columbia University, states that secrets can indeed weigh heavily on your mind and make you ill.

Slepian notes that the secrets that weigh most heavily on health, and also the hardest to disclose, are those related to one’s own life.

“These are the secrets that make them feel guilty, such as having deceived someone, having an affair, sexual secrets, family matters,” Slepian mentions.

In his surveys, one in three respondents admitted to having an affair. One-third of these kept their wrongdoing a lifelong secret. Another third shared it with a third party. One-third confessed it to their partner.

“If there are any secrets affecting your health, I recommend at least talking about it with someone you trust ,” Slepian advises.