How Dangerous is Psychological Manipulation and How to Break Free?

When someone’s psychology becomes a tool for others to achieve personal goals, things start to go downhill…

You may have stumbled upon the term “psychological manipulation” before, perhaps on the cover of a detective novel or in a movie… The first thought that comes to mind for many hearing this term for the first time is: It seems so distant and esoteric! Psychological manipulation feels like something that will never appear in our lives – those of us living simple lives.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

However, reality has shown that this notion is entirely incorrect. Psychological manipulation is much more commonplace, often encountered in the simplest situations. When someone suddenly criticizes you harshly for not doing something that affects them, even though that responsibility shouldn’t be yours. Or when a partner uses your shortcomings to tease you, making jokes that significantly undermine your confidence, and you can’t react.

It feels like a terrible nightmare: Imagine someone is making your life miserable, “playing” with your emotions and sanity. Clearly, anyone can be affected by this psychological manipulation story to some extent.

Psychological manipulation is a form of social influence aimed at changing the behavior or perception of others through indirect, deceptive, or covert tactics. By promoting the manipulator’s interests, often at the expense of others, such methods can be seen as exploitative and distorted.

Psychological Manipulation in the Workplace: Feeling Irresponsible for Not Working Overtime

“When I first graduated, I often stayed late at the office. Back then, my boss would often say that I didn’t have much experience, wasn’t working hard enough, and would always persuade me to stay late. ‘If you don’t do it, I’ll have to stay until late to finish up’ was the phrase I heard most often, making me feel like I was adding more work for my boss by refusing the request,” Laura shared.

In the workplace as well, Jason faced issues with his colleagues. As an introvert, he needed a lot of time to overcome his fear of presenting to large groups. “No less than five times, I was ridiculed by colleagues for stuttering during my analysis presentations. To them, it was humor, but for me, it was the quickest way to diminish my confidence and increase my fear of presenting.”

Dr. Mariyam Ahmed shared that: “Emotional manipulation weakens our perception. This can lead people to doubt themselves or feel confused, a similar effect to suffocation.”

In Relationships, Psychological Manipulation Makes the Partner Feel Guilty for Not Loving Enough

Psychological manipulation is not only found in the workplace but is also common in romantic relationships. Mia, 24, experiences feelings of guilt and self-doubt in her love life. A friend of hers is always late. Initially, she pointed this out to him as a sign of disrespect. His first reaction was to say that she was “too sensitive.”

“Over time, his lateness and shifting the blame back to me led to arguments. He would say, ‘You really have a problem with time, don’t you?’ At that point, I thought he might be right. I began to doubt myself, wondering ‘Is there really a problem if someone is late? Maybe I’m just not flexible enough.’”

Meanwhile, Phillip, 27, faced a different ironic situation. His girlfriend constantly implied a desire for extravagant gifts on occasions unrelated to love or for trivial anniversaries like 10-20 weeks of dating.

“I have a moderate income, and despite knowing this, my girlfriend always expects luxurious gifts on meaningless days. If I refuse, she assumes I don’t love her enough. Gradually, I tried to accommodate her preferences to the point of accumulating credit card debt.”

Dr. Robin Stern, associate director at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, shared that: “When being abused, you can point out those signs much more clearly. For example, if someone has been hit or threatened – it’s easy to see and understand how they have been harmed. But when someone is manipulating you, you end up guessing about yourself and turning the blame inward.”

Psychological Manipulation Happens Not Only in Human Relationships but Also in the Online Environment

When you search for a keyword on Google, the first results are often advertisements. You are completely free to choose whether to click on them or not. However, it is clear that our psychology tends to focus more on the closest results, as they often provide the most relevant outcomes. It seems like freedom, but in reality, you are being manipulated regarding your own “freedom.”

One easily noticeable example of how the online world manipulates people is how we always wait to see how many people have “liked” or viewed our Instagram stories. “Every 5 minutes after posting, I always wait to see who has viewed, commented, or liked my post. It’s very ‘addictive,’ hard to break away from. Moreover, I feel a sense of accomplishment if today’s post gets more engagement than previous ones. I think that’s also a motivation that makes me want to post more,” Emma shared.

However, the Internet has its own algorithms; fundamentally, you cannot control your engagement levels. This stimulates your desire to post more, and this is the psychological manipulation that the Internet brings.

M. Ryan Calo, an expert in this field, argues that emerging technologies and techniques will increasingly allow companies to exploit consumer irrationalities or vulnerabilities. Essentially, the Internet makes it much easier to exploit emotions at a personal level and manipulate behaviors.

“People with Toxic Traits are Master Manipulators”

Therapist Shannon Thomas shares: “People with toxic traits are master manipulators, highly skilled liars, and excellent actors. They can hide anywhere.”

There is always something off about these individuals. And you can’t always identify it. You may start to feel dependent on someone else’s opinions, doubting your own.

With short-term impacts, you might find yourself caught in a state of “self-doubt” like Mia. You question whether you are truly following the right path or if something is wrong with you. This is the result of a narrative where everything you do is “interrogated” or you are told that you are doing something outside of the norm.

Additionally, you often fall into a mindset of <em“shame and guilt.” You feel as if you are at fault or blame yourself for creating issues in other people’s lives. When they blame you, resolving that issue within yourself becomes more challenging, leading to an even worse feeling.

Emotionally, you frequently feel anxious and insecure. In terms of behavior, you will avoid making eye contact. “This is because I don’t want to feel smaller. Just by not looking at them, I can convince myself that those things aren’t happening and that my presence feels smaller and safer,” Jason shared.

These are merely short-term effects; in reality, there will be long-lasting impacts that can last a lifetime. For instance, a common issue many people face is the desire to please others.

“I want to be perceived as doing well not just in my job but also in aspects like my clothing and the photos I post, all while paying close attention to the comments from those around me. But of course, I have never felt ‘enough’,” shared a 25-year-old woman who wishes to remain anonymous.

After feeling inadequate for an extended period, your instinct is to present yourself as perfect to gain others’ appreciation. This often leads to feelings of disappointment, impatience, irritability, and blame. The frustration certainly needs to be released, but this can be difficult to seek out and express. After someone mistreats you, it may be hard to see anything beyond that poor behavior.

In the realm of psychological manipulation, many lies are told, and you often tend to believe them. On the other hand, those who manipulate may not even be aware of the lies they are spreading. In many cases, emotional manipulators know they are manipulating. However, in some rare instances, even the manipulators may not realize they are doing so.

These masters exploit your insecurities and continually try to leverage them. They will make you dependent and know every detail about your weaknesses. If you detect any manipulator with these characteristics, it is best to extricate yourself from the situation as soon as possible.

How to Escape Manipulation?

Stern emphasizes: “We are living in a time where many people struggle to determine what is real and feel as though they are being manipulated. If you know something is true and someone tells you it is not, it is essential to hold on to your reality. When you are in your own reality and recognize manipulation when you see it.”

“I refuse to change the narrative, and that resistance is key. Trust in my version of reality. Do not allow it to be changed on demand. Stand firm. This anger has protected me because I know what I know. These experiences have made me resilient.” Ariel Leve shares about her journey to break free from manipulation.

One tip that Stern offers for handling situations is to write down what actually happened during conversations. “Once you are not controlled by emotions, your reasoning becomes much clearer. Look at the conversation and see how it unfolded.”

When someone is overly confident in their beliefs and continues to emphasize and try to persuade you over time, it can erode your own perception.

According to Shannon Thomas, one way to identify such a person is by how you feel after interacting with them: Every time you talk to them, you feel drained, emotionally depleted, and negative. “They can leave you exhausted and emotionally wiped out. They want you to feel guilty for them and take responsibility for all their problems – and then also fix those problems.”

In some particularly severe cases, Chantal Heide, a relationship expert, emphasizes that seeking support from professionals or therapists is the best approach.

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