Why do all the words in your head disappear when you pick up the phone to call?
In today’s age, we are equipped with many messaging apps, yet we still cannot avoid situations where we must call someone or receive a call. Restaurant owners call to confirm your reservation, delivery drivers call for you to come down and collect your items, employers call to schedule interviews, and you call a customer service hotline to register for services…
For some people, it takes an extraordinary effort to pick up the phone. They may have to practice their opening lines repeatedly, trembling as they dial the number, and when the voice on the other end picks up, all the words in their head vanish.
Many people think that only introverts or those with social anxiety fear making phone calls. However, there are also individuals with good social skills who still hesitate to pick up the phone.
In 2011, a survey by the Pew Research Center in the United States showed that the average person made or received more than 12 calls a day. By 2015, this number had dropped to around 6 calls. The internet is filled with “skill guides” for those who dislike phone calls. So, why does this fear exist, and is there a way to overcome it?
You don’t know what the person on the other end is thinking
Words are just one part of how we communicate our thoughts. You might say one thing, but your tone, facial expressions, gestures, and body language convey something else entirely. Therefore, we need to grasp and observe all forms of “non-verbal communication” to understand what the other person is trying to convey. Meanwhile, over the phone, we can only hear the voice and cannot infer the other person’s facial expressions.
Clinical psychologist Alexander Queen, who studies anxiety disorders at Tufts University, USA, states: “When trying to encourage someone, in addition to words, we also use our entire facial muscles.” Pay attention; when complimenting or encouraging someone, we often raise or furrow our eyebrows, focus on eye contact, and sometimes a slight nod is enough to encourage them to continue speaking.
Without these body signals, the conversation can feel like a game of “blind man’s bluff.” You feel awkward not knowing if the other person is genuinely happy, as they claim. Even reading a voice message can evoke a similar feeling.
Without observing the other person’s body language, we will feel anxious about not knowing what they are thinking.
You feel pressed for time
With written communication, at least you have time to organize your thoughts, edit, and proofread before hitting send. Making a phone call feels riskier, as words cannot be retracted like messages. You have no idea if the other person is thinking or distracted. Sometimes, being silent for more than 5 seconds can feel like a sign of impending “disaster.”
Additionally, there is the pressure of time to receive and respond to a call. Text messages can be read later, but phone calls require your full attention for the conversation. Thus, when calling someone, you easily develop a feeling of “fear of bothering others.” This is also the view of Jeremy Jamieson, a psychology professor at the University of Rochester.
You fear being judged or evaluated
If you are in an open office environment with many people around, you will likely hesitate to pick up the phone because you don’t want to talk in front of your colleagues. All attention focuses on the one person talking on the phone in the office. Research in Psychological Science indicates that conversations you can only hear from one side (one person on the phone) are more distracting than regular conversations. This means you can still work while others around you are chatting, but you will lose focus if there is just one person talking on the phone.
However, often the people around you do not make you anxious as much as the person on the other end of the line. Jamieson notes that talking on the phone can evoke a feeling of “fear of being judged,” similar to job interviews or public speaking, as we are social creatures craving recognition from others.
Those with social anxiety tend to focus excessively on themselves to ensure they don’t say anything embarrassing.
Some people also fear disappointing friends, partners, and those around them. However, if they have a conflict with service staff over the phone, it’s no big deal since they won’t meet again.
Papadakis states: “Those with social anxiety tend to focus excessively on themselves to ensure they don’t say anything embarrassing. This makes the conversation feel unnatural because if you only pay attention to yourself and not what the other person is asking, you will lose focus and find it harder to respond.”
Simply put, you don’t make phone calls often
Some young people today do not make phone calls frequently. They live in a world filled with messaging apps, they may understand the rules of texting, the meanings of symbols, and emojis, but they do not practice making calls as much as previous generations, so they lack the skills to handle certain situations.
Making phone calls also requires a certain finesse and unspoken rules, depending on the personality of the other person. For example, you should know what time to start calling, whether to text beforehand to give a heads-up (in case the person is busy), or how to end the call politely. Even if you know what you want to say when calling someone, some people still need to practice beforehand to have a smooth opening line.
Therefore, if you do not make calls regularly or do not have long conversations over the phone with friends or family, it is natural that you will feel awkward talking on the phone with others. It all requires practice.
How to overcome this fear?
You can prepare an outline or script before speaking.
As mentioned, to overcome fear, the best approach is to face it . The more you expose yourself, the more accustomed you will become to making calls.
The key here is to start with small steps. You can prepare an outline or script before speaking. Practice by yourself beforehand. However, do not put too much pressure on yourself to ensure everything goes as expected, as conversations can always take unexpected turns. To keep the conversation natural, imagine you are talking face-to-face with the other person, and don’t hesitate to “go with the flow.”
Psychologist Alexander Queen advises using a technique called “cognitive restructuring.” This means changing the way you think about the call. For instance, if you stutter or “swallow words,” think that the other person still understands your point, and they might also make “swallowing words” mistakes when talking to others, too. This way, you will feel less pressure. Generally, what you perceive as a significant flaw may not be noticed by others at all.
