With our loved ones, we allow ourselves to be genuine, which often leads to outbursts and loud voices.
Perhaps everyone has heard phrases like: “Why are we nicer to strangers than to our own family?” According to psychologist Deborah South Richardson from Augusta University (USA), this phenomenon occurs for three main reasons.
We believe our relationship is strong enough
People often try to present themselves as cheerful and polite to make a good impression on strangers. However, when we return home or are with close friends, we immediately relax and are ready to reveal our true selves, including both positive and negative traits.
People tend to unconsciously release their anger onto loved ones.
A study in 2014 indicated that people tend to unconsciously vent their anger towards family members because they believe their relationships are strong enough to withstand it. The closer and more trusting the relationship, the easier it is to push each other to the limit. We think that no matter what, the other person will not leave us, so we feel comfortable venting all our frustrations.
Lack of safety around strangers
When colleagues do annoying things like shaking their legs or speaking loudly, we tend to tolerate them, feeling a lack of safety. Since we are not familiar with them, we do not know how they will react to feedback, so we often choose to remain silent and endure.
In contrast, with family and friends, we are familiar enough to point out their flaws, sometimes even exaggerating them.
Lack of tolerance
No one suddenly hates the habits of family, friends, or roommates, whether those habits are good, like waking up too early, or bad, like being messy or staying up late. In reality, we may have disliked those habits from the beginning, and the more time we spend with the other person, the more irritated and less tolerant we become.
This does not occur with strangers, simply because we do not spend enough time with them. Even when annoyed, we quickly return to normal.
To improve relationships with family and friends, Ms. Deborah South Richardson recommends that everyone occasionally give themselves some personal time. A few days apart will help us reflect on our relationships and appreciate the good aspects rather than focusing solely on the negatives.
If you find it too difficult to do an activity with loved ones, you might consider inviting a stranger to join. The presence of a stranger can encourage both parties to behave more politely and kindly, easing existing tensions.
